B & B's BIG DAY

Welcome everyone and thank you all for joining us on this very special this afternoon!

 

Brock and Bill have invited us into their home today not to witness the beginning of what will be but rather to celebrate what already is. In the 30-plus years they've been together, their love and understanding of each other has grown and matured. They have decided to live the rest of their lives together as a legally married couple. In doing so, they’ve invited us to participate in the celebration of a union which began when they were teenagers.

 

Theirs is a partnership freely chosen and founded on love, friendship, trust and respect. It is a partnership that encourages open communication, self-expression, the sharing of knowledge and most importantly, an enthusiasm for life.

For the record, I am Teresa T and I have been authorized by the Minister of Justice of the Province of Quebec to solemnize the marriage of Brock and Bill on this day, October 24, 2009.

Bill and Brock, you have come to love each other deeply and sincerely. That love has given you the desire to unite in marriage. In this ceremony, you are dedicating yourselves to give happiness and well-being to each other.

Your marriage is an act based on love and rational thinking. It mustn't be based on the vain hope of what the other will or will not do or what he might or might not become. It must be based on the firm belief in your own individual worth and that of the other.

Your pledge today is an expression of your devotion. The words spoken in this ceremony will validate your marriage only if your love and commitment to one another are strong enough to sustain it.

 

Brock and Bill, you have invited us to witness the happiness that you have found in each other. Did you come here freely and are you ready to make the pledges to which you commit yourselves to each other in love?

'Yes'

Do you Bill and do you Brock solemnly affirm that you do not know of any lawful reasons why you cannot get legally married?

'We do'

Are both of you prepared to accept one another as your legally wedded spouse?

'We are'

It is appropriate that you, their families and friends, are here to participate in this wedding. The ideals, the understanding and the mutual respect which Brock and Bill bring to their marriage have roots in the love, friendship and guidance with which you have provided them.

Before uniting you in the bonds of marriage, I am required to read to you the following articles from the Quebec Civil Code which set out the rights and duties of spouses:

1) "The spouses have the same rights and obligations in marriage. They owe each other respect, fidelity, support and assistance. They are bound to live together."

2) "In marriage, both spouses retain their respective names and exercise their civil rights under those names."

3) "The spouses together take in hand the moral and material direction of the family and assume the tasks resulting there from."

4) "The spouses choose the family residence together."

And finally,

5) "The spouses contribute towards the expenses of the marriage in proportion to their respective means. The spouses may make their respective contributions by their activities within the home."


Samuel Johnson, distinguished poet and novelist of the 18th century, facetiously described wedding rings as, quote, “a circular instrument placed upon the noses of hogs and on the fingers of women to restrain them and bring them into subjection”.

Times have changed. In the modern era, the wedding ring has come to represent undying love and the continually renewed vows of the married couple.

Their circular shape has long symbolized timelessness. Certainly the operative word for these two guys is “timelessness”, as they’ve been together for their entire adult lives. They can hardly remember a time when they weren’t together - and some of you here this afternoon probably can’t remember it either.

Now I’m going to invite them to tell you the story of their wedding rings themselves:

Back in the early 1980s, Brock and I exchanged signet rings on our birthdays. This didn’t have any particular significance at the time. We just thought it would be cool to exchange symbols of our friendship.

 

Today’s story begins about 20 years later, in July 2005. We were on vacation in Provincetown and Bill thought it was time for a ring upgrade. He found just the rings for us at a trendy little shop on Commercial Street.

But the store didn’t have our sizes in stock. They’d have to be ordered from Switzerland and mailed to us here at home. In the meantime, we thought we’d move our old signet rings to the traditional wedding-ring fingers, where we’d eventually wear the new rings. Never mind that the fit wasn’t quite as snug as it should have been. It was just short-term, until the new ones arrived from Europe.

Later that afternoon we cycled out to the beach at Herring Cove. The tide was rising, it was windy and the water was rough. In retrospect, what happened was almost predictable: As we splashed around, the poorly-fitting ring slipped off my finger and disappeared into the water.

We knew it had to be laying just inches from where we were standing, but we couldn’t see or feel it, as much as we squinted in the salt water and frantically groped around in the sand and rocks. It was gone and we were devastated.

But right then, we had a Harold and Maude moment. Harold and Maude is a move, a dark comedy that came out in 1971. It’s the story of a nerdy teenage boy and a quirky elderly woman who meet in a cemetery and fall in love.

The couple visits a seaside amusement park and Harold gives Maude a token inscribed “Harold loves Maude”. Maude admires it, saying it’s the loveliest gift she’s received in years. Then she tosses it into the ocean with the pledge “So I’ll always know where it is”.

Right then and there we had our own Harold and Maude moment. Something about having just one of the old signet rings between us was unbalanced and just wrong. We agonized for a few moments, silently hugging in the swirling water, tears filling our eyes. Half a minute later Bill said, “My ring’s gone”.

We like to think of our old signet rings at rest together, somewhere in Cape Cod Bay. We’ll always know where they are.

When we decided to get married, we considered exchanging wedding rings. But we chose not to. Because no rings could ever be more significant than the ones we are wearing now. We hope you can now appreciate why.

Do you Bill take Brock to be your lawfully wedded partner for as long as you both shall live?

'I do'

Do you Brock take Bill to be your lawfully wedded partner for as long as you both shall live?

'I do'

For as much as you have declared your love for one another and have agreed to be united in marriage, I, Teresa T, by the power vested in me by the Civil Code of the Province of Quebec, now pronounce you, Brock and Bill, to be legally wedded partners.

And I present to you, family and friends, the newly married couple...

 

We all wish for you that this marriage be great and remain so as you continue your journey down the road of life together. We don't know what lies ahead. Nevertheless, as a community we are prepared to help you to make the best of whatever comes your way. We wish for you that you hug each other often, talk, and laugh a lot.

We hope that you continue to enjoy each other as you already have for so long. May you realize that nothing or no one is perfect and that you look for the good in all things and all people, including yourselves.

Remember to treat yourselves and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together in the first place.

May you continue to respect each other's likes and dislikes, opinions and beliefs, hopes and dreams and fears.

May you learn from each other and to help each other to grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

May you realize that there is purpose in your lives and that if you hold onto each other, you will know that things have a way of working out as they are meant to be.

Most of all, may you keep lit the torch of love that you now share in your hearts so that by your loving example you may pass on the light of love to others around you.

Allow me, on my behalf and on behalf of all those present, to offer you our best wishes for your continued happiness. Congratulations Bill and Brock !!

 

(photos by Kathleen VanderNoot)

THERE'S NO STORY HERE

Except to say Mom and Dad turned right around re-my upcoming marriage and they did it as abruptly as they'd expressed their initial apprehension. To recap:

Day One: Announce to the 'rents that my companion of 35 years and I were finally going to make it legal. They tell me they have "misgivings".

Day Two: Dad calls with an itemized list of reasons why my marrying Bill is a bad idea. I have him read it to me twice - you know, to be sure it all really sinks in.

Day Three: Dad calls again, this time to apologize for any hurt the first response may have caused and to express their congratulations.

I don't know they why they were so ignorant on Day One and I don't know what made them do the one-eighty only forty-eight hours later. All I know is, they did. I'm not digging any deeper.

This column was published last week in the local newspaper of the suburb where I grew up, directly across the river from Montréal.

I imagine Leonardo thinks he's hip to the ways of "many enlightened folks". He's made an astute observation on an ironical occurence, he believes.

Do truly enlightened folks pad their accounts of street crime with preconceived notions of the races of the individuals implicated? When the author draws attention to the purse-snatching - which certainly isn't a big news story in and of itself - and so-called "role reversal", he perpetuates the very stereotype he means to refute.

Shame on David Leonardo. The sad part is he's probably entirely oblivious to it.

I'm re-publishing his words here lest anyone forget that ignorance is still running rampant even in supposedly progressive places.

PAPERWORK

It might actually be easier to find a husband around here than to interpret the forms to be completed before you can marry one.
"Enter the name of officiant only followed by 'designated officiant' for officiant's quality."
Say what? Holy moley. Only in Québec.

I'M ABOUT TO BEGIN WHAT COULD BE THE MOST EVENTFUL FOUR WEEKS OF MY LIFE SO FAR

I'll be turning 50 years old, I'll be joining the Quarter Century Club at work and I'll be getting married.

Oh do I ever want to savour every minute, luxuriating in celebrations of the wonderful life I've cobbled together in spite of having been a complete loser for the first twenty years of it.

And I want the fuss to be over with already. Ironically, while I'm an attention whore, I'm all queasy inside when I'm at the centre of it.

But if I've ever learned anything about the human condition it's that we have to allow for the contradictions in ourselves. No one is just one thing.

Celebrations start this evening. Happy Tank.

A bottle just like this was left in the locker room at the gym tonight. Is it just me or does something about the product seem vaguely incongruous?
Dippity-do was a popular styling gel in the '50s and '60s, applied when the fairer sex had their hair done. My mom had it laying around. It's translucent pink and has a unique smell that conjures up memories of my childhood. Picture ladies installed beneath hairdryer bonnets, immersed in movie magazines. But frankly, I'd forgotten all about it.
So, Dippity-do Sport. Really?

SAMMY TURNS MY HEAD AROUND

...when she emails me this note after reading my bits about the 'rents and my current marriage issue:

As a parent, I can honestly say that we say and do the stupidest things sometimes... As much as you probably don't want to hear it right now, it comes from love, fear, shock, etc.

I can remember my wedding day, I was almost 7 months pregnant and as my dad walked me to Klaus he whispered in my ear... Sammy, you don't have to do this. You can come home with me and mom.

I'll never forget it. Dad passed away last month and to be honest, it's one of the fondest memories I have of him... and I have alot of wonderful memories.

My oldest son was married last month (what a month!) and I'm still struggling with accepting the relationship. She's a wonderful girl, perfect for him. Wtf, I don't understand it myself.

So there's my little contribution. Live your live baby!

Sam

My brain had been polluted with anger, hurt and frustration. Sam's message completely shifted my mindset. She helped me realize Mom and Dad are just as able as anyone else to say really dumb things. Which is actually a relief.


*****

Sammy had been a pal of Teresa, a girl I dated when we were teenagers. Thirty years later we reconnected on Facebook and had lunch last summer. Now she steps in and saves the relationship with my parents.

You just never know when a seemingly random person is gonna show up and make a difference.

THE NEXT DAY

Dad called back. He'd gathered I'd figured out that he and Mom had "misgivings" (his word) about the marriage. And thus he'd prepared a little speech, he advised me, and would be consulting his notes as he spoke.

I had to smile because I recognized myself in the old guy: When I was younger, I too would draw up an outline when I'd something important to communicate to someone significant.

As the years go by I'm realizing there's an indelible connection between my father and I, despite my having tried to distance myself from him and what he represents since I was a teenager.

He read his diatribe, an itemized list of stuff I'd done and said in the past, all of which supposedly contradicted the concept of my marrying Bill now. Then I thought to have him read it a second time.

The first time, his arguments astounded me in their absurdity. I won't even recount them here; they were idiotic. I hoped the second recitation would enlighten him on just how ridiculous he sounded.

But I wasn't going to do any bullying. I didn't want to argue. We're not belligerent people. I just let him deliver his little lecture. When he was done I said calmly, "I guess you won't be coming to the ceremony". His response: "I didn't say that".

DONT ASK DON'T TELL: HOME EDITION

Announcing to my folks the news of our upcoming marriage didn't go well. They were all tongue-tied, barely coherent but dripping with disapproval. I was entirely deflated.

This, after Bill and I lived together as a couple for 25 years. This, after they've always been very generous towards him at Christmas and his birthday. This, after they've welcomed him into their home and the homes of their friends and relatives literally hundreds of times. To be sure, their objection knocked the wind right outta me.

Background: I came out to them almost 30 years ago. At the time they told me they were disappointed but they'd always love me and I'd always be gladly received in their home. And that was the end of the discussion. Forever, apparently:

Since my initial opening up in the early '80s, they've never wanted to know anything about my 'gay lifestyle' (you'll forgive my use of that horrible term) - which, frankly, suited me just fine. Neither have I felt any compulsion to wave the rainbow flag in their faces or expose them to my private affairs. I'm healthy, gainfully employed, have a roof over my head and they are safely ensconced in the suburbs. In my family, nothing else matters.

Still, I'm surprised and hurt by their response to the news of my nuptials. So I'm questioning my years of effectual silence on gay issues and my life in general. But they didn't ask and I didn't tell. Have I done something wrong?

Hell no, Bill and I've lived together since 1984. How much more preparation did they need? I'm blameless.

My parents know what little they want to know about my sexuality and what it encompasses. The particulars are superfluous to them. It's not that they don't care; they simply don't want to deal with details. And they just can't wrap their brains around the idea of their son marrying another man.

I'd like to think they are more enlightened but this marriage issue suggests otherwise. I guess some people have to live with their heads buried in the sand or they'd go nuts.

THIS FILLS ME & SCRATCHES ME

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